Everything Under The Sun

If you follow me on twitter, you may have seen my "rant" the other night about my husband going to bed early and leaving me with a long list of things to take care of, including getting the baby down. I was extrememly pissed off very upset, as this was one of five days I had not been feeling well.  And in those five days, not once did I go to bed earlier than 11:30 at night (just too much to do, let alone have wind down time).

My husband and I have known each other for almost 15 years. That's a really long time. Sometimes I feel like the way we bicker is more like brother and sister than husband and wife. We don't ever seem to argue over the "big" stuff (money, kids, etc) - that we handle quite well. It's the smaller, day to day things that get us going.

We have a very odd way of not supporting one another in a lot of things. We've never been that couple that are one another's "cheerleaders". In fact, I feel as though we are more likely to play Devil's Advocate when come to things, and point out all of the "what-if's" or "could be's". This has a tendency to create a little bit of animosity between us. I'm just not sure why we act like that or what to do about it. I doubt he even acknowledges all of this. This all goes along with how we act when we one of us are feeling ill and/or tired. We both get very defensive. I wish we could just be that couple that says, "Sure, hon, go ahead and lie down." But we don't. In fact we end up fighting over it and harboring feelings of resentment. I'm not sure where it begins. I have a tendency to not be feeling well quite often, which is probabaly pretty wearing on my husband. But I always feel the need to ask "permission" to go lie down or to turn in early for the night. I always get such attitude back. Which then I hold on to and remember, and then when he comes in and decided he needs some rest, I then turn into the one with the attiutude.

Why are we like this to each other? Is this normal??

Hubby saw my tweets on Twitter the next day (I planned for that had no doubt he would). We never really talked about the issue like I had hoped. There's still time though. As always, things always seem worse when you're tired.  And maybe next time I'll just be sure to vocalize my feelings right to him, instead of to Twitter.

I wasn't planning on writing a blog post today. I was planning on cleaning my house, playing with my girls, catching up on some chores. You know, the normal day-to-day things we all do. I picked my daughter up from school, made her lunch, and turned on the tv for the first time today. Saw the horrific footage following the earthquake in Haiti. I feel awful. Actually, there aren't any words to describe it. All those people were just going about they're normal daily business and BAM - their whole life - their whole WORLD changes.

So much destruction, so much sadness, so much heartache. So scary. It is just another reminder of how our lives can change in a second.

You always think in a crisis you will have someone to turn to. I am so lucky to have wonderful family and friends that I know we could count on if we needed anything. But what if your neighbors, friends, family members didn't have anything to give??? Well I decided that I do have something to give. I donated $10 to the Redcross via text (really wish it could have been more but we are on a tight budget). And I give my prayers, my thoughts, my love to the people of Haiti. And I know you can too.

Now I am going to go back to the normal daily routine of cleaning and playing with my children and I THANK GOD that I am able to do so.

Here's the scenario:

On a recent road trip, my family and I stopped for dinner at a Denny's restaurant. It was myself, my husband, and our two daughters. Even though it was a Saturday evening, the restaurant was not very full, maybe 7 or 8 tables had people at them. We were seated at a booth towards the back corner of the restaurant. It was the perfect spot for us because of all of our stuff (diaper bag, coats, car seat, etc). I was also happy to be in the back as I was planning on nursing the baby while we were there. Dinner came and we all enjoyed taking a break from the stressfulness of being in the car on a holiday weekend. We were really enjoying one another's company.

While we were eating, a woman in her late 30's or early 40's walked right past us and stated she was going to sit at the booth right behind us, which was the back corner booth in the restaurant. She actually motioned to us to move our things, as our coats were on the seat of the booth and the car seat was blocking it. For a brief moment, I did think about the fact that there were dozens of other tables, including booths, to choose from, but I didn't want to be one of those annoying people and we moved our things without commenting.  

The evening went on, and eventually a man, possibly in his 30's, joined her. A waitress then approached them and struck up a conversation. It became apparent that they were all friends, or that they knew one another somehow. The man was doing an awful lot of the talking and several times used the word "shit" in the story he was telling. He was talking so loudly that I can tell you that the story he was telling was about him leaving his wife and taking the kids clothes with him. My husband and I were beginning to get uncomfortable with the choice of words he was using. Again, we chose to just ignore and try to distract our 4 year old from listening. After another minute or so, he then was describing something and he threw in the "F" word. At that moment, I slammed my drink down on the table, and my husband and I, at the exact same moment, said "Excuse me!", both in a fairly loud voice. The couple was taken off guard and he said a quiet "sorry". The woman however, said to him and the waitress, "You'll have to excuse them, they're having a stressful evening." Ummm... what? We were actually having a lovely time until you showed up, lady. She then said, "Lets move tables...far,far away."

In most cases, a story like this would end right here. Not this one. Read on.

The man stands up and, without waiting for his companion, walks off to the front of the restaurant. The woman gathers all of her things,  stands up and stops right next to me. She leans down, in my face, and says, in a very condescending way, "You are not going to want to hear this right now, but your reaction to what just happened was not a very good example for your children." and she then puts her hand on my shoulder. I glared at her, and said "Don't touch me". My husband then stands up and tells her, not so politely, to get away from our table. She just stood there and stared at me with a look that is hard to even describe. Creepy. Once again, hubby had to motion for her to leave us alone.

We finished up our meal, very quickly, and started to pack up. I was so embarrassed by what had occured, and was beginning to wonder if I did overreact. As we stood up to go, a man across the room, another customer, praised us for calling them out. He also said we were a whole lot nicer than he would have been. Apparently the swearing man had been loud enough for most the restaurant to hear. He also couldn't believe she had had the nerve to confront me. He pointed out -"We're at a Denny's, not a bar." We laughed about it, and I was glad he had spoken up as it lightened the mood a little.

I find it interesting though that the woman let me know that I was the bad one for raising my voice, pointing out that they were in the wrong for swearing. After discussing this many times with my husband, we have come to the conclusion that she just had to make sure that she got in the last word.

Well guess what, lady??? By writing this, I get the last word. And as for the situation, I can't say that I would have done anything differently. They were in the wrong, whether they admit it to themselves or not. There's a time and a place for choice words like that. I myself have even been known to throw a few out there once in awhile. But never in front of my kids. Or someone else's kids. Or at a Denny's.

To anyone who's had a child, it's no surprise to hear that the months following the birth can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions. The whole first year of my first daughter's life was the biggest rollercoaster ride I've ever experienced. Anxiety, happiness, sadness, exhilaration, loneliness, filled those months. I am noticing it on an even smaller level though this time around. My mood changes constantly. I have noticed a pattern in my days. One day I can be in the best mood ever -loving life, laughing, smiling, playing with my girls, and just "happy". These are the days when I am full of energy, coming up with great ideas of things to do with the girls (and motivated to do them), and sociable. The next day, however, can be completely opposite. After such a great day, it is curious to me how, just overnight, I can turn into a short-tempered, negative, person. These are the days when I am content to just stay home and stay in my PJ's. I look at these days as the times I just want to "get through". And as I've said before, I really don;t want to just "get through" this time. They are only little for such a small amount of time!

I am probably exaggerating, but I have definitely noticing these differences. I think my oldest daughter may be picking up on this as well. She seems to have "her days" as well. Maybe we respond to each other and pick up on one another's moods. I am proud that I am at the very least acknowledgin all of this this time around. With my first daughter, I was so engrossed in learning what it meant to become a mom, I was not aware of these emotions. They say hindsight is 20/20, right?

Today has been a great day. I'm off to go enjoy it...

I've heard the saying many, many times. We should all Count our Blessings. But is that really possible? Can you "count" your blessings and come up with a number? An amount? I thought I'd give it a try and challenged myself to come up with 20 things I consider "blessings" in my life. Here goes (in no particular order).

1) My Beautiful, wonderful, healthy daughters
2) My husband
3) Having the love and support of my extended family
4) My mom and all of her help and support.
5) Having my sister and her family close by.
6) Being able to be a stay at home mom. I KNOW I take this one for granted.
7) We may not have alot of money for "extras", but I am happy to live in a nice house in a nice, safe neighborhood.
8 ) My husband having a good job.
9) Living in a time when I am free to speak my mind and live life as I choose to.
10) God & my church
11) The health of my family.
12) All of my material possessions.
13) My own health (eventhough it's rocky at times).
14) Living close enough to the ocean to be able to go to the beach for a day.
15) I am still thankful for having been able to move south 2 years ago (from NY to NC) and now live in a place where snow is almost non-existent.
16) Being an aunt.
17) A washing machine & a dishwasher
18) Having found a wonderful preschool & teacher for my daughter
19) My friends:)
20) Having the time (and the idea) to write this blog.

Ok, that was 20. Should I keep going?

21) Having had all 4 of my grandparents in my life until I was 26. Two have since passed, but I am extremely grateful I had all of them for so long.
22) My kids are growing up knowing 3 great-grandparents (2 on my side and 1 on my husband's side).
23) Being able to have a girls night out once in awhile.
24) Indoor plumbing (who isn't grateful for that??)
25) Having food to eat everyday and being able to feed my family. (So sad, but I know not everyone can say that!!!)
26) All of the technology we have today.
27) Being alive.
28) My education and the opportunities my parents presented me with when I was younger.
29) VACATIONS.
30) My daughter's imagination.

I KNOW I have many, many other blessings but I'll stop here. The list is endless and I am wholeheartedly thankful for everything I have in my life.

I have decided to do something I should have done a long, long time ago. I am going to take the GRE's and apply to grad school. I have been out of school for almost 10 years and I have always had every intention of continuing my education. I thought I would work full time for a bit and figure out "life". Then I got engaged and just had to spend every waking moment for a year and a half planning my wedding. Then we decided on kids, so the first baby came and I was all of a sudden in "Mommy-mode". Then a move to North Carolina, then another baby...you see where I am going with this.

I am currently a stay at home mom and I do love it, but I look forward to the day when I can work for a paycheck again. I left a job I had had for six years to move here, and I miss that as well, although I wouldn't consider it part of my "career". When I do go back to work, I would like to do something completely different. Therefore, I have decided on a Master's in Secondary Education.

If only it were that easy - just deciding what I want to be when I (or my girls in this case) grow up. I have recently begun looking up grad schools and it is all so confusing. Not even sure where to start. Some schools need to GRE scores, some don't. Some need a teaching license just to apply (which I do not have and am not eligible for since I do not have a bachelor's in education). Some are online and some are not. And then there is the whole issue of how to pay for it. Student Loans? Agh! I just don't know where to go from here. At this moment, I am extremely thankful to mom, who helped me with all of this when it came time for me to go to college in the frist place. I might just be calling on her again.

I am comfortable writing all of this down because I feel like if it's written down somewhere it will make me accountable for it. I don't want to be a liar. I WILL take the GRE's (in February) and I WILL apply to go back to school. Really, I will. Can someone just remind me this in case I get side-tracked again? I really don't want to put this off another 10 years.

My faith has really blossomed over the past few years. I have always believed in God, but my faith and beliefs have changed so much (for the better) since I became a mom. Because of this, I am faced with a difficult predicament. Read on.

With a 4 month old and a high strung 4 year old, going to church has become...difficult. My husband takes my older daughter an hour early for Sunday school, and I try my best to meet them there later on for the service with the baby. The baby always seems to do well at first, but after about the first 15 minutes, she is crying, fussing and squirming. Today was no exception. During the sermon, I had to excuse myself and the baby, and we went to car. And I lost it. I started crying. Hard.

You see, I have been going through the typical baby blues lately. Crying alot, weepy, emotional, short tempered - you get the picture. On top of that, I am still dealing with the monotany of being a stay at home mom. It's not that I am complaining, because I do not wish to change things, but there are moments that are definitely more challenging than heading off to a desk job.  I know how important it is to "Seek God" during these more difficult moments. And I always feel so refreshed after a church service; I was really looking forward to going today. To have to sit out in the parking lot during the service just seemed so...unfair. But I am not ready to put her in the nursery. And our church is not the kind where I can stand with her in the back and go unnoticed. So I tried to do my best and go to church, only to be let down.

Also? Prior to walking out of the service, the baby spit up all over me. Normally this would not be a big deal. But today it was. To me. It was the first time in several weeks that I actually made an attempt at looking nice. Most days lately, I am a t-shirt and jeans girl with little make-up. But today, I took some extra time with my hair and make-up, and even wore a new shirt (wow, this must sound pathetic). I felt...nice. Like the old me. And then in a split second, I am covered in my baby's (whom I love dearly) spit up. When I finally returned to the church service, (two diaper changes,  and a crying session for both mommy and baby later) it was time for commmunion. Our older daughter joined us for this part, and at times was even more disruptive than the crying baby. I was so stressed out at this point, I could barely deal. It was not one of my finer moments. And I kept telling myself you're not supposed to be this miserable in church!! I tried to snap out of it. I really did. But all the morning did was really set the tone for the rest of the day.

I'm not sure what to do. I will admit, there was a moment this morning where I had just had it, and told myself that I will just give up coming to church for the next 6+ months. But then I am abandoning my faith, at a time when I really need it. But being unwilling to put the baby in the nursery, I don't really feel we have any options. This all really saddens me. I want to go to church. I miss going on a regular basis, but I just feel...stuck.

Do other moms have this issue???

Babies are addicting. How can anyone not be completely entranced by a smiling, cooing 3 month old, an 11 month old taking his first steps, or a 2 day old newborn wrapped tightly in a blanket, sound asleep in her mother’s arms? It’s no wonder 98% of current moms see another baby and have a response along the lines of, “I want another one” (even if it is just for a split second) or “I miss my kids when they were little”.

However, I think I had forgotten how fun every stage of this first year truly is. I absolutely cannot get enough of my baby's smiles, coos and giggles. Every day seems so special. My 4 month old is so happy in the morning, it makes me (who is not a morning person) jump right out of bed (OK, not really jump. But at least I'm not dragging myself out of bed). Sometimes it feels as though the baby stage will last forever. It is so hard to think beyond this time. What they will be like, look like, act like. Because all you know are these wonderful smiles, comfy cuddles, adorable giggles, even amidst the crying sessions.

When my oldest was this age, I wanted to have 5 children. 

Really.

No kidding. 

I didn't know yet about the terrible two's, the trying threes, or the unforgettable fours. Yet I am experiencing the same feelings again this time around. She is our second baby and I just cannot imagine not holding another one of my own once she is grown. It’s a huge decision, deciding whether or not we are done having children. So I may not be sure we are done having kids, but I do know that I will never again allow myself to forget these wonderful baby years.

And that other 2 percent of moms, who look at me holding a baby and say, “Better you than me.”? To them I say: “Yes it is.”

Every mom has at least one thing in common. We do not want our children to get sick. And during this awful flu season, we are all very aware of the possibility that our children may become ill. There is a lot of pressure on us to keep our kids healthy and to wash hands, stay away from sick people, etc. But then there is also a lot of pressure on us to keep them active - enroll them in soccer, dance, karate, etc. Take them to the park. Make sure they are going to school. Keep them well-rounded. We are also forced with the decision of flu shot vs. no flu shot (H1N1 AND Seasonal!). Then there is the media. Scaring us with their “worst case scenarios” stories. Even before the current flu outbreak, the news was all over the possibility of one. 

Currently, I personally am feeling the internal struggle of "Do I keep them busy and active?" or "Do I keep them home and away from all those crazy germs out there?" I do not have an answer. For me it changes by the day. I push the handwashing and always have hand sanitizer with me, but we do spend a good bit of time outside of the house. Then of course I freak out because some other child at soccer, dance, karate, etc had a runny nose. I spend so much energy worrying about it that the next day we stay home, away from it all. And then we begin to go stir crazy and the cycle begins again.

Just this morning I rushed my daughter out to the doctor's office because she said she had chest pains. I took her in and it turns out that it may be a reaction to the Flumist. I was on the fence about her getting the flu shot this year, and I finally make a decision, take her in for it, and two days later she has a reaction. Now I feel awful. Wouldn't I feel just as awful, if not more, though if she didn't get the shot and then got the flu. At least that was my thinking.

It’s inevitable that our kids are going to get sick, and we need to just accept that, hard as it may be. The media and social pressures do not help. A few years from now, I do not want to look back on things my kids missed out on because of the possibility of something bad happening. I’m just not sure how to make sure that doesn’t happen.

Road trip!!! We just returned from an extremely long and tiring car ride. A trip that should have taken us 11 hours, but took 16 hours (each way!). My two girls and I drove with my sister and my nephew from North Carolina to upstate New York for a wedding. My nephew is 9 months old, my girls are 4 years old and 4 months. It was an interesting ride.

My sister and I get along great. We have the same sense of humor, but also the same temperament. So far, we also seem to have similar parenting styles. We spent the majority of the car ride (both to and from NY) laughing hysterically, playing silly car games, and enjoying one another's company.

Until the babies started to cry.

There were several moments throughout the trip when they seemed to have been having crying matches. One would begin to whimper, the other would cry, then the other would cry even louder. At one point, even my 4 year old daughter got in on the action. It was at these moments that I realized where our similarities began to differ.  

In one particularly loud moment, I felt as though we should continue driving until we reached our next destination. My sis did not. She was very concerned about her son's crying. Both babies were hungry and done being in the car. They wanted OUT. (So did we.) We had a planned stop in about 30 minutes and nothing she was doing to comfort them was helping. At this point, we were at a crossroads. Do we stop the car and let them out for a minute or do we continue on? Or put another way, do we let them "cry it out" for the next half hour or do we stop for a moment of comfort, only to be put back in the car, and possibly still be in the same situation.

I've realized that I am more of a "Cry it out" mom, and my sis is the opposite. I honestly do not know which is better. I do not respond to every demanding cry. Maybe it's because I am a stay at home mom. If I did respond to every whimper, cry, or yell, I do believe I would go insane. I also believe there is something to be said about a baby learning to self soothe. And by choosing to let her cry it out, the poor baby has to suffer.  But learning to calm themselves and develop coping skills has to be better in the long run...right???

We did continue on until our scheduled dinner stop. And the babies were just fine after a few kisses and snuggles.

I can't even imagine how many posts of this kind are out there on the net. I have read countless ones, and heard of many more. And here I find myself writing one of my own. I love my kids so much I cannot even begin to put it into words.

It truly amazes me the amount of love I carry in my heart for them. At times it is overwhelming.

I was giving the baby a bath earlier and as I wrapped her up in her towel, I just held her there close to me and was overcome with feelings of love and pride. And I was amazed when even earlier, the baby was crying and I was comforting her, and in that moment, my little girl looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are the best Mommy in the whole world." Not because I was taking care of her, but because she was watching me take care of her little sister. She was watching me be a mommy. And, again, the love and pride I felt right then was amazing.

I was so terrified of what it would be like to have a second child. I was so scared that I would not have room in my heart to love another chid. That sounds awful, huh? But I honestly was worried that the love wouldn't be the same. But having baby #2 here has done just the opposite, I think my heart has about tripled in size since first seeing her and I cannot believe the amount of love I hold in my heart for these two wonderful girls.  

My oldest is going through such a difficult phase right now. We are back to screaming alot, similar to the terrible two tantrums, and at times she is so weepy. I don't know if its her age, the baby being here, or something else that is causing our issues, but I really want to fix it. That's what we Mom's do, right? We "fix" things. However, the baby is still very demanding of my time and attention, so I am not able to work on fixing this as I would like.

I really just want to hold them close to me all day, everyday. I just wish life didn't get in the way so much. There are chores, errands, responsibilities, etc all calling our name (yes, even email, Facebook & Twitter). This time with them being little is really flying by. My little one starts Kindergarten next year. I wish I could slow time just a little bit, or maybe just hit the pause button once in awhile.

Here is one of my favorite "quotes" - I believe it's from an unknown author (feel free to correct if I am wrong)

The cleaning and scrubbing

will wait till tomorrow,

for children grow up,

I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs.

Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep......

I sometimes recite those words in my head to just remind me that it really is okay to just sit back and enjoy my kids. I'll find time for everything else LATER.

My 4 year old daughter colored herself today - with markers. I was in and out of the room at the time; I had no idea what she was up to. I thought she was coloring a picture. I asked her to go get ready for dance class and she turned around - and I saw. She was covered, head to toe, in every different color marker she had. I wish I could post pictures on here, but she had striped down to nothing to cover herself. She must have seen the look on my face, because before I could yell, she looked up at me with the biggest smile and said, "I colored myself into a rainbow. I'm a rainbow girl". She was so proud. How could I be mad? After all, she was happy and so proud. And, they were washable markers.

We did not make it to dance. Bathtime it was.

Last week, after much ado, I posted my first blog on here. Then I left it for a week. Bad timing I guess. We had family and friends in town for the baby’s Baptism and I was completely distracted. I was also hoping that I would have another blog to focus on. 

I applied for a mommy blogger position with a local hospital, but did not get it. I am taking it really hard. Harder than I should be. I really should learn to handle disappointment better.

It’s not the actual position that I am bummed about. I don’t really have any experience in blogging, but I do consider myself a good writer. What is bothering me is that I can’t even get a job for a couple hundred dollars a month writing about what I do every single day. If I can’t even land that cake job- what else could I possibly do? I am already having issues of self-worth and this is not helping. People tell me how important my job as a stay at home mom is, but it doesn’t help. Why can’t I just be happy??? There are moms who would do anything to be able to stay home with their kids. I know. I was one of them. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy being home with the girls. I do. I love it actually. I guess it’s just all very confusing. 

I was excited to have something that I could tell people about. I was excited about working for a paycheck again. It would have been exactly what I needed right now. It would have been the perfect gig.

I'm not sure why I really want to write a blog. Maybe it's because I'm bored. Maybe it's because I have some things I need to get off my chest. Maybe it's because I'm jealous of all the bloggers out there who use this as a hobby and seem to have met so many people through it. Maybe it's due to a lot of different reasons.

I am a stay at home mom to the 2 most wonderful girls in the world. I love every minute I spend with them and try hard not to take this time with them for granted. I am, however, going a bit stir crazy. Spending every day dealing with crying children, dirty diapers, piles of laundry, among other things, will make a person go, well, a bit crazy (forget the stir part).

Does it matter to me who follows this blog?

Yes. And no.

I need to have some sort of outlet, so whether or not anyone follows this blog, I do believe I will continue to write it. I would love to have a good number of people read this, but seeing as I am not part of any blogging network, that may not happen. And I'm ok with that.

I write to entertain. Myself and you. I hope to not bore anyone. I will not claim to be an expert on everything I write about. I will speak the truth though as I know it to be. But I guess, in a way, that's what everyone does.

Thanks for sticking with me...more to come!